Day 4 - 10

So my fans have been emailing me saying “we want more,” “where have you gone” and “my life has become meaningless without your amazing blog.”  So, I am back on the net.

Ok I may have been a bit on the liberal side by way of interpretation of the inquires that have come in about the blog.  In fact it may have been closer to my wife asking “So are you done with that blog thing?” and an email from a friend saying “Did I see you at the Pizza Hut buffet on Monday?”  Never the less the people have spoken and I am back.



To answer the first question, “Where have you (I) been?”  The answer is simple, in the bathroom.  I am posting my first picture today, no not the before pic of me with my shirt off that everyone (aka no one) has requested.  It is of the wizzenator, the name of my new 64 ounce water mug, and the device that has had me locked in the bathroom for the last week. 



The Wizzenator



I have been told that in order to lose weight, one of the most important things for me to do is drink lots and lots of water.  To be exact I have been told to drink one ounce for every two pounds I weigh.  For those of you who are not math people that turns out to be 130 ounces per day for yours truly.  To put this in the proper context there are 128 ounces in a gallon.  What that means is that I am filling the ole wizzenator twice and then a few extra sips for good measure. 

While I am not a doctor and cannot tell you how much liquid the human bladder holds, I can tell you with expert certainty that it does not hold 130 ounces.  In fact based on the path I have worn in the carpet between my desk at work and the bathroom, I am guessing it is less than five.

So, as I said I have been in the bathroom.  I am now adjusting to all the water which gives me the time to type this blog.  (Note: I have now used the bathroom twice since I began typing this post.)  I am happy to report that I did not have to stop at the Circle K that is at the midpoint between the courthouse and home tonight.  Granted halfway there I had to floor it and ended up breaking the sound barrier in my jeep that last two miles, but I made it… Well pretty much.   



Something to illustrate how big
this thing is.  Behold the Wizzenator
in all its glory.



So I am still going strong, ahh on the diet that is.  Not only that, but I am now posting my first official diet tip, because let’s be honest aren’t we all a bit tired of taking weight loss advice from the skinny.  What do they know about weight loss, they are already skinny right?  (“Oh its easy just get up on the morning and run five miles,” says my skinny friend.  And yes that was me you saw at Pizza Hut you jerk!)  Who better qualified than someone with weight to lose who has yet to lose any?  That’s a guy who knows what he’s talking about right?  Anyway the tip: Drink lots of water, one ounce for every two pounds you weigh.  Do that and you will be on your way to weight loss success… and the bathroom.



Later,



Scott

PS This is a as a disclaimer to all other attorneys out there who are trying to lose weight.  Follow this tip with caution!  I have learned that you will be held in contempt for your fourth recess request in less than an hour, so be careful. 

PPS I am now accepting donations for all those of you who love this blog.  Please send them directly to Big Mikes Bail Bonds and request that they be credited to my account. 

TIP 1: Drink 16 ounces of water when you wake up in the morning and a total of one ounce for every two pounds you weigh throughout the day.

Day 3

So good news, the diet has begun.  No joke, no funny excuses, I am really dieting as I type this blog.  I had a grapefruit half and bran cereal for breakfast and a modest lunch.  Sounds pretty good right?  WRONG!  One of my friends just explained that grapefruit is bad for you.  Apparently fruit is now bad.  Thanks for the heads up science.  Who knew, the last time I was dieting fruit was good, but apparently experts had it wrong again. I guess fruits, including grapefruit, are too high in sugar and carbs.  In fact I also found out that carrots are bad for you for the same reason.   There goes my afternoon snack. 

I hate to admit it, but in a world where you can’t eat carrots or grapefruit to be healthy, I was met to be fat.  What am I supposed to eat?  Seriously, someone tell me.  Cereals have too many carbs, fruits have too many sugars and vegetables such as carrots and corn are bad for you too.  After discussing dieting with a bunch of self-proclaimed experts I have decided that on that last BLT I had the food that did me the most damage was the tomato. 

That’s ok, I will push on.  While my zip lock baggie of baby carrots that is sitting on my desk just waiting to be devoured at 3:00 p.m. (that’s exactly 1 hour 16 minutes and 41 seconds from now) are nothing but poison, I am guessing it is better than the 12 oz. can of Dr. Pepper and a little Debby Snack Pack that was in its place last week.  (12 oz. can, that is so cute, I have not had anything smaller than a 32 ouncer since I was 9.)

So as I am now officially dieting I have been asked to disclose my weight.  As much as I hate to do this, it is kind of the point of the blog, you know to keep track as I go down.  Now the real problem with the full disclosure is that people who did not know I was overweight are going to be shocked.  There are some people out there who have no idea I am over weight.  Granted they are all strangers, the blind and the very very …very unobservant, but some don’t know.  Well the time has come to roll out of the Baskin Robins closet and tell the truth, and as they say… the truth shall set you free.  According to my digital scale, as of 8:14 p.m. on Tuesday January 3, 2012 I weighed in at 260.0 lbs.  (In my own defense the digital scale kept jumping back and forth from 259.8 so as you can see I clearly and not as heavy as it sounds, I did however decide that 260 would seem like I have lost more weight when the year is over so that is the starting point.)  So that’s it, the official weight is 260.0.  Wish me luck, I really need it.  Darn unhealthy fruits and vegetables. 

Well I better sign off for now, I will chat with you all tomorrow when I am a solid 259.8 and not just teetering around it.  Until then, those poisonous carrots are not going to eat themselves.   Later.

Day 2

I am so excited; I have begun the exhausting trail to personal health.  The last 24 hours have been stressful and I will admit I have really been on edge, but I know it will be worth it.  After suffering through the first day I am feeling confidant and that I am on my way.  No pain, no glory.  Exhausted, hungry and grumpy I continue, in fact tomorrow I may even add diet and exercise to my regiment tomorrow.

OK OK before you say it, there is a lot more too losing weight than just dieting and exercising.  There is… ahh planning, yeah planning is important.  One must also purchase the proper attire.  This, by the way, was a new low.  I am now officially too fat to fit into my work out clothes.  Go ahead and reread that last sentence and make sure your read it right.  It is true; I am too fat for big comfortable loose fitting clothing.  That is, as they say is rock bottom. 

After I found someone to cut my gym locker lock that I kept safely on my gym bag zipper so it was always on the ready when I got to the gym the last time I was working out, I was able to try on my workout clothes. As to the lock, who can remember a pad lock combination from the 20^th century?  Anyway after trying on, or attempting to try on the clothes that were neatly folded in my Gerbau workout bag, the mandatory shopping spree was on.  Don’t worry, it was no big deal, in fact the fashion upgrade was needed.  On a side note is any interested in a Dole / Kemp in ’96 T-Shirt.  It was not worn that often.  Let me know.

Anyway back to my dieting perquisites.  I have been busy telling people that I am now dieting, well will be dieting.  That is the same thing right?  There is also the blog; we all know no one can get started without the blogging about it.  Oh and most important of all, the last bad for you meal.  I had In n’ Out.  After that there is the real last bad for you meal #2 (Panda).  Then the last Dr. Pepper followed by the last dessert, Dairy Queen Double Mint Malt.  Of course if you have had a Dr. Pepper and a last dessert, then you know you should just go ahead and get some wings (Barros) which constituted the real last bad meal for you #3.  For brevity’s sake I will stop there, but much as Vizzini, I am only getting started, just wait until I get going, I really could do this all day. 

It is at this point that I am just hoping that anyone reading this is assuming I am embellishing what I have eaten in the last 24 hours for comedic value.  Ahh, let’s go with that.    

So as you can see dieting is a miserable exhausting experience.  Between the shopping, blogging and all the eating I really am not sure how long I can keep it up.  I hope I am skinny soon. 

PS in my defense there was college football on all day.  As has previously been documented, not only will dieting on what is the holiest of all college football days not be acceptable, doing so makes you a commie who hates America.

Day 1

So it is January 1, 2012, time to set all those goals and resolutions.  I am going to read more, eat less, exercise more, and smoke less.  OK I don't smoke, but I want to be able to say I accomplished at least one of my goals as I watch Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest count in the New Year next December.  

OK here is the deal; I will get right to the point.  I need to lose weight.  That is the goal for 2012 and the point of this blog.  What is sad is that I am not the guy that only needs to lose the freshman 15 or even just wants to slim down before his high school reunion; I have to lose a ton.  OK a ton is not completely accurate, maybe closer to a half ton.  OK, I am being honest here; I need to lose 100 pounds. 

I have no idea when I became that fat guy, but well I am.  I knew that things were out of control when I had a stranger at comic con come up to me and said "I loved you in Jedi but I thought the CG of you in Episode One and the redux of A New Hope was bull (expletive)” before asking for my autograph.  To add insult to injury the next day at Sea World a young child pointed at me and asked her dad, if all the Shamus’s could walk on land or just the one in the Duran Duran t-shirt.  After taking a solemn vow to stay the heck away from San Diego, I decided it was time for a change. 

On the drive home somewhere along the I-8, I decided right then and there that I was going to do something about my weight.  I was so committed to this proposition that I decided I was going to walk in to the Taco Bell I was stopping at instead of going through the drive up. 

My next stop on the Scott is fat train was in 2011 when I went to Colorado to see U2.  While there, Shawnda, my then fiancé and current wife, and I went to Red Rock.  If you have never been there, go!  It is great to be able to walk on the stage where the Beatles, Bob Dylan and Duran Duran all played.  The problem is that you can drive to the top of the mountain, and even walking down the hundreds of stairs is not too bad, but there is no elevator back up to the parking lot. You have to do it with your feet!  I now hold two world records.  I am, record #1: the only person in the history of Red Rock to be airlifted from the stage to the top of the amphitheater and, record #2: the only one to need two safety harnesses. 

So that brings me to this blog.  I have dieted before, I even lost a little weight here and there, but it all came back.  My mindset was to starve myself and then I can eat again once I am skinny.  At this point where I need to lose so much weight I have decided that slow and steady is the way to go.  I have read (note: “I have read” is code for "I heard it on TV") that you should strive to lose two pounds per week if you want to keep it off.  Two pounds x 52 weeks minus the week of Thanksgiving and the week of October 27 (Simon LeBon’s birthday week), I will be at an even 100 buy Jan 1, 2013.  If I make a life style change and treat this as a marathon instead of a sprint I may reach my goal. 

It also occurred to me if I keep track of my progress and am accountable to all my readers, which will consist of my parents for the first week and my wife every time I guilt her in to reading, it will improve the chances of me sticking with it.  So that is what I am about to do.

Step one / Day one, start the blog.  Check!  Wow, this weight loss stuff is not that hard after all.  I did this while enjoying a Filberto's burrito and taco with refried beans, rice and a Dr. Pepper.  I still have no idea how I got this fat.  Anyway, like I said step one, the blog.  Step two, will be tomorrow and that is where it gets hard.  I will start blogging about the diet that will start on day three.  (Come on tomorrow is New Years Day observed, no one can diet while watching college football all day.)  Anyway I will start to post information on what I weigh, what I ate and what I am doing to progress toward my goal.  Riveting!  (Now you know why only my parents and wife will be my only readers.)

Anyway that is the plan, wish me luck and stay turned as I go forward for the quest for 100.