Day 4 - 10

So my fans have been emailing me saying “we want more,” “where have you gone” and “my life has become meaningless without your amazing blog.”  So, I am back on the net.

Ok I may have been a bit on the liberal side by way of interpretation of the inquires that have come in about the blog.  In fact it may have been closer to my wife asking “So are you done with that blog thing?” and an email from a friend saying “Did I see you at the Pizza Hut buffet on Monday?”  Never the less the people have spoken and I am back.



To answer the first question, “Where have you (I) been?”  The answer is simple, in the bathroom.  I am posting my first picture today, no not the before pic of me with my shirt off that everyone (aka no one) has requested.  It is of the wizzenator, the name of my new 64 ounce water mug, and the device that has had me locked in the bathroom for the last week. 



The Wizzenator



I have been told that in order to lose weight, one of the most important things for me to do is drink lots and lots of water.  To be exact I have been told to drink one ounce for every two pounds I weigh.  For those of you who are not math people that turns out to be 130 ounces per day for yours truly.  To put this in the proper context there are 128 ounces in a gallon.  What that means is that I am filling the ole wizzenator twice and then a few extra sips for good measure. 

While I am not a doctor and cannot tell you how much liquid the human bladder holds, I can tell you with expert certainty that it does not hold 130 ounces.  In fact based on the path I have worn in the carpet between my desk at work and the bathroom, I am guessing it is less than five.

So, as I said I have been in the bathroom.  I am now adjusting to all the water which gives me the time to type this blog.  (Note: I have now used the bathroom twice since I began typing this post.)  I am happy to report that I did not have to stop at the Circle K that is at the midpoint between the courthouse and home tonight.  Granted halfway there I had to floor it and ended up breaking the sound barrier in my jeep that last two miles, but I made it… Well pretty much.   



Something to illustrate how big
this thing is.  Behold the Wizzenator
in all its glory.



So I am still going strong, ahh on the diet that is.  Not only that, but I am now posting my first official diet tip, because let’s be honest aren’t we all a bit tired of taking weight loss advice from the skinny.  What do they know about weight loss, they are already skinny right?  (“Oh its easy just get up on the morning and run five miles,” says my skinny friend.  And yes that was me you saw at Pizza Hut you jerk!)  Who better qualified than someone with weight to lose who has yet to lose any?  That’s a guy who knows what he’s talking about right?  Anyway the tip: Drink lots of water, one ounce for every two pounds you weigh.  Do that and you will be on your way to weight loss success… and the bathroom.



Later,



Scott

PS This is a as a disclaimer to all other attorneys out there who are trying to lose weight.  Follow this tip with caution!  I have learned that you will be held in contempt for your fourth recess request in less than an hour, so be careful. 

PPS I am now accepting donations for all those of you who love this blog.  Please send them directly to Big Mikes Bail Bonds and request that they be credited to my account. 

TIP 1: Drink 16 ounces of water when you wake up in the morning and a total of one ounce for every two pounds you weigh throughout the day.